With his steely, determined eyes that can flash menace at any moment, Michael Shannon has a knack for playing scary guys in movies like the upcoming Man of Steel and the HBO series Boardwalk Empire. No wonder he slips so easily into his latest role: an executive board leader for Delta Gamma sorority.
Last week, an email sent to an entire sorority chapter got tipped to Gawker and went viral. The letter was a profanity-laced masterwork of admonishment, with the author dressing down her wards for not being enthused enough during spirit week. The letter thoroughly lambasts the sisters, with inventive threats of “c*nt-punting” that would give a veteran drill sergeant pause. Now, Funny or Die has tapped Shannon and his ample reservoir of gravitas to do a dramatic reading, and it is amazing.
The video opens on Shannon sitting on a couch in a darkened living room. A spotlight shines on the actor, and he takes a sip of his drink before delivering the letter’s ominous preamble. “If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride,” he says in a snide, but reserved tone, that will soon give way to forehead-vein rage.
Vaguely militaristic orchestral music plays in the background during the early part of the letter, but John Carpenter-style evil synth kicks in as Shannon lays into the letter’s crescendo: “If you are a little ass wipe that stands in the corners at night, or if you’re a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you: DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT’S EVENT.”
Perhaps if Shannon is unavailable to play General Zod in the Man of Steel sequel, the film’s producers can find the sorority president who wrote this letter, and get her to take his place.