Let's Shut This Whole Thing Down: The Creative Side Of "Legitimate Rape"

Faced with such breathtaking stupidity and misogyny, what’s a girl to do?

Sure, there was a lot to get upset about when Todd Akin, a Republican congressman, senate candidate, member of the House Science, Space and Technology Committee and grown-ass man living in the 21st century said the following words in response to the question of whether abortion should be legal in the case of rape:

"It seems to me, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

Yes, when one confronts the handful of staggering assumptions and attitudes contained in that brief statement, and the realization that those words don’t just speak of one man’s ignorance, but are symptomatic of a wider cultural blight, it’s hard to know what to do, beyond gnash one’s teeth in impotent (legitimate) rage.

For some women, the boner was cause for a creative response. We present a recap of legitimate rape creativity here.

This Funny or Die mock pharma ad positions "Legitimate Rape" as a handy, inexpensive method of birth control and comes complete with requisite side effects warnings (and animated fallopian tubes channeling Clint Eastwood).
Songwriter and satirist Taylor Ferrera penned and performed this ear-wormy song explaining to ladies how to know if you’ve got a legitimate rape on your… er, hands. Sample lyrics: I let him take me out. illegitimate rape! I said I was 18. illegitimate rape! He didn’t have consent. I’m sure your eyes were saying yes. I’m pregnant from the rape. Clearly not legitimate!
Proving that legitimate rape is an issue that cuts across demographics, the Raging Grannies salute the issue and offer some choice words for Akin.

If making light of the situation isn’t to your taste, read Lissa Harris’ piece in The Nation.

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  • Squirrels of Fury

    "the women having to make these decisions" - Galloping
    Having to make these decisions? Nobody put a gun to their heads and told them to be promiscuous. Acting like a whore and then "having to make" the decision whether or not to kill your baby doesn't make you a victim, it makes you stupid. And weak. And in the end, completely irresponsible and a murderer to boot. 

    Don't you understand that its freaks like you that are wrong with this country? People acted normal for thousands of years. Your promiscuous lifestyle is ABNORMAL, it's why you have that emotional deadness inside, the STDS, the multiple abortions, the inability to emotionally connect anymore or hold a longterm relationship. It's simply females who are supremely selfish and want their impulses satisfied immediately, on their schedule. Well, go for it, but don't be surprised when you're 50 years old, alone, and definitely not hot anymore. What are your 1,000 one night stands gonna do for you then? What are your 15 abortions gonna do for you then? You'll be miserable and alone, because you wasted your youth satisfying short-term needs instead of thinking longterm and building something that could last your entire life. And stop pretending I'm talking about date rape, Right To Vote, Akin and I are clearly talking about complete sluts who get drunk, bang, and then find out that what they did actually produces something called an infant. 

    But I don't expect anyone to read this, not with the Nazis in charge of this board. For all the screaming leftists do about free speech, they sure as shit can't handle someone who (metaphorically) rapes their arguments to shreds. 

  • ThatDogFucker

     A hidden profile? I'm not surprised. Such an ignorant Christian dumbass would have to hide from the outrage of the sensible people who bother to read your brainwashed rants.

    Oh, how I laugh at your feeble attempt at logic . . . or lack thereof.

    Please, do keep ranting about how Nazi's run this country. I bet you believed the world was going to end on the 21st as well.

    What next!

    I need some popcorn to really enjoy this dumbass spewing shit from his shit and addled brain.

    Keep up your stupid work! We need more of you guys running around so people like me can really feel better and more intelligent about ourselves.

    I tell you, I used to think that I wasn't smart enough and then I read your comment.

    Really bolstered my ego.

  • R. Silver

    Your comments prove your brainwashing. I do not wish to discuss this further, as I'm clearly talking to a wall here. 

    All I'm saying is that men should not be allowed to decide whether or not a woman is allowed to abort or not, as it is her nine months of labor and her eighteen years of motherhood. It is her choice. 

    Again, using the word rape is different than sleeping around. You, Squirrels of Fury, keep coming back to old points and you're not even reading what I'm saying. 

    It's fine, believe what you want, this is a free country, after all (although you say we're run by Nazis?). Good day.

  • Squirrels of Fury

    It just illustrates how insanely brainwashed you are. Your pathetic leftwing propaganda machines leave you completely uninformed. Akin made two points: 

    1) Firstly, you first have to separate "legitimate" rapes from "illegitimate" rapes. By legitimate rapes, he means actual rapes, not sluts who were ashamed of what they did and then slandered the dude from the night before. 

    2) Secondly, there is actual MEDICAL evidence that asserts that, if the conditions are correct, a woman's body can respond in a way that is not conducive to a pregnancy occurring. Regardless of what your brainwashed and idiotic friends tell you, this is a medical fact. If you really wanted to know the truth, you could find this out fairly easily. 


    The psychotic leftists ramped up the propaganda machines and the terrified conservatives fled, creating the meme that somehow Akin committed a "gaffe". Retards like you became brainwashed with the propaganda. This comment will probably become erased by the board Nazis soon, as they cannot stand the curtain being pulled back. 

  • R. Silver

    If Akin wasn't talking about rape, why did he use the term "legitimate rape?" You're going to a totally different topic here. Did you even watch the videos and their responses? They're not saying to sleep around, they're concerned with RAPE. Your comment has nothing to do with rape. Akin believes "legitimate rape" is forceful, violent rape. What if you know the person? What if you care about the person, but they still rape you? You can't yell and scream if you care about the person. It is still rape, however. Akin believes that this sort of rape doesn't count, that "legitimate" rape is only forceful. Are you advocating that, Squirrels of Fury? Are you advocating that a woman has to live with and nurture a child who will only remind her of the injustice that was done to her? 

    Also, about the comment about the woman's response to rape. As discussed in some other comments, in an evolutionary standpoint, there is no "response to rape," that would allow a woman to block getting pregnant at her own will. Are you also advocating this? Again, you can't compare women who sleep around to women who are actually raped. Akin's comments look like date rape wouldn't be legitimate to him, and if you're misunderstand him, maybe you should watch him say it again. 

  • Daniel Kopec

    As crazy as it sounds, I swear I was told something akin to this in highschool sex ed class. Granted this was 10 years ago and it didn't go as far as saying that conception from rape was rare but it the teacher did say that in cases of great stress like in the instance of rape, the vagina becomes more acidic which makes it harder for semen to survive and lowers the chances of viable sperm reaching the egg. That I am willing to believe, but as far as greatly reducing the chance of pregnancy to the point of making it near impossible is ridiculous. Just out of curiousity I would like to get a straight answer, but I doubt anyone would dare even suggest that the comment made, although very much off base may have even a tiny shred truth to them. I doubt that the man completely pulled it out of his ass. But I am willing to believe that he took something like what I was told in sex ed, and decided to turn it into "evidence" to support his ideology and ultimately  something he could use to at some point try to push some sort of legislation through. 

  • The_Strange_Remain

    It doesn't surprise me that you were told this. However, it is a view point that comes from a profound lack of education.

    There is a HIGHLY uncomfortable truth out there in the animal kingdom,  and I beg you not to shoot the messenger here. But, given that evolution's one and only aim is the successful act of reproduction, rape is actually a viable means of genetic transfer. There are plenty of species in the world who do not do little dances and end in mutually agreeable copulation, but rather a situation where males aggressively pursue and subdue a female, have his way and walk away. 

    I do not mean to insinuate there is anything acceptable about this in society, simply that the notion that biology is somehow skewed against rape is grossly misleading. It is likely a strategy used by our early ancestors, again reminding the reader that evolution's only aim is successful reproduction, it is not stretch to assume our bodies have not magically decided to put up a biological/chemical defense system to undermine copulation. 

    But to know these things, you'd have to be willing to accept evolution as a viable scientific theory and be well educated in it. This is not something the highly theocratic right is well versed in and it's not at all a mystery as to why they would not have a damned clue why the suggestion of "legitimate rape" is profoundly ignorant. Perhaps it's time we start electing people with scientific degrees instead of religious biases.

  • J. Bukowski

    I hope similar attention would paid to incredibly dumb ideas that come from some of the "brightest" stars on the Left of the political spectrum. But no - those are conveniently - and consistently -  ignored. 

  • Jon Williams

    Right. I *never* ever *ever* hear the words "left-wing media" from the media. What a joke.

  • Bernardo Stevens

    Did you know how Todd Akin won his primary?  Seems the Democratic party figured he'd be the easiest one to beat. So they contributed half a million to his primary campaign.

  • James Fogal

    They never contributed to his campaign.  The Democrats simply spent money thrashing the opoonents that would be tougher to beat.  Todd Akin did not beat his Republican opponents.  It was the Democratic party at its sleeziest.

    She is one of the most liberal senators in the country and now she is running an ad that said she is only ranked #50.  What a joke.  I am voting for our Democratic Governor because he is not nearly as liberal but never for Claire McCaskill.  Our country is too broke for her.  She spends 40% more money than we have.  Our Democratic Governor never does that.  The fact that we have a balanced budget amendment in our state sure helps.

    Todd Akin is an idiot but his opponent is a bigger idiot.  What a crummy election we are going to have in Missouri.  Pick the one you hate the least. 

  • annie5555

    The experiment I'd like to see is to put Todd Akin in a prison, without special protective services, and have him possibly understand, on a personal level, what rape is all about.  It is not based on sexual attraction, but based in having power and control over someone, and there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING "legitimate" rape, from any which way to view it.  This is symptomatic of how men would like to control women (without raping them I suppose), but controlling what happens to their bodies:  the personal AND medical decisions about a woman's health choice that should be made privately, and without interference by religion, policy or governments (both state and federal).  My opinion is if you don't want to have an abortion, don't have one, but don't relinquish the right to someone else that may need to make that choice FOR VERY PERSONAL REASONS.

  • Guest

    So, your point is that you'd like to have power and control over Todd Akin, which you'll use to greatly harm him, and this is symptomatic of you being a man and he being a woman.

    A woman's right to an abortion is great and everything because people should be able to have choices on important things. We want to ensure that people don't have to live in horrible situations. Also, prison rape is very useful and should be used for political reeducation.

  • Carriebailey

    I am a med school student, and there should have been an opinion of an actual Dr. in this article, but there is some validity on his statement, from a MEDICAL-PHYSIOLOGICAL point of view, read the words again people, from a scientific point of view there are theories, specially in forensic medicine and post-mortem states, where a woman's legs muscles can contract to the point where is almost impossible to break freak and even inhibit ovulation in a ''legitimate'' and before the ignorant backlash of people here, and the writer's, these are actual theories taught in school and yes, there is no ''legitimate'' rape in the sense that everybody thinks here, yes it is wrong and unforgivable, yes he quoted his words wrong but quit trying to find little things and call the ignorant card when in itself, everybody is being ignorant on an ignorant article. 

  • The_Strange_Remain

    Well, when you have earned your doctorate, then perhaps your opinion will have merit. What specialization were you going for again? How do you respond to the mountains of data biologists have put out suggesting rape is a viable and common reproductive strategy in the animal kingdom? 

  • foljs

    """from a scientific point of view there are theories, specially in forensic medicine and post-mortem states, where a woman's legs muscles can contract to the point where is almost impossible to break freak and even inhibit ovulation"""

    Some freak-of-nature, 1-in-10,000 occurrences studies in scientific textbooks, and in non-relevant cases at that (we're not talking about "post mortem states" here), don't mean a thing...


  • Trinity Alps

    I posted the 'big-pharma' ad on my fb and didn't get a single like. I think it was disturbing to my women friends. I however, thought it was brilliant!